Thursday, December 18, 2003

Dear Most Bad-Assed Chick I've Ever Known,

I have a terrible cold tonight. It's so bad that I've actually resorted to wiping snot on my sleeve like some unattended day-care discarded three year old. But ya know what? None of that really matters any more because, in spite of my valliant yet unintentional efforts to lose touch with every person I have ever known, you have found me. (Lucky for you you know someone with the internet coniving rivaled by only Bill Gates himself.)

Did you ever think maybe we'd end up on Maury Povich someday and get reunited? I totally had the whole thing planned out in my head:

"You see Maury, you're very handsome. No, that's not why I'm here, but it doesn't make you any less handsome. But back to the point. I had this friend in high school who helped me be some truer version of myself. She totally affected me in every way that it's possible to affect a person and then I was an idiot and I went off to college and did a very shoddy job of keeping in touch. And then I went to grad school and lost touch all together."

Hot-ass Maury: "Well, what was it that made her so special?"

"Well, Maury. Can I call you 'mo-po'? You see, mo-po, women tend to be very stupid. We fill our lives up with all these men who can barely carry on a conversation much less give us all the attention and emotional support that we need. And some of us are very lucky that along the way we find a female friend who really can give us all that touchy-feely shit that you penis-weilding idiots deny us. But then, for some reason, we always drift away from those women."

Hot-ass Maury: "And why do you think that is?"

"Because we're stupid. Because we forget what's good for us. Because we're 'feminists' or 'empowered' and we come up with all these meaningless reasons for justifying leaving people behind. And it's bullshit. All of it."

Hot-ass Maury: "And what do you want to say to her today in case she's watching?"

"I want to tell her that she's awesome. And beautiful. And that I miss her. And that's really all there is to it."

Heather at 7:24 PM


Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Last Night on Rich Girls <-- allegedly tongue-in-cheek title

My full evening of porch sitting and cigarette smoking was interrupted last night by both a friend invasion and a mini-marathon of everyone's favorite television idiocy parade, Rich Girls.

T. came over with her lovely visiting friend S. who is so entirely insane that she drove cross-country in a Geo Prism. (Don't they only have a three-cylinder engine?) We commenced our television viewing nearly immediately.
S (with remote): What should we watch?
Me: Isn't Rich Girls on?
S (attempting californiai'mabovethatcool): I've never seen that.
Me (like an idiot): Oh my GOD, it's the BEST. We MUST watch it.

*commence Rich Girls viewing*
...fifteen minutes later

S: So they're rich and MTV follows them around?
Me: Duh.
S: And this is a show?
Me: Of course it is.

*now one and a half episodes in*

S: When is Ally going to talk about her aura again?
T: I think Kai is doing something with her aura.
S: And why is Jaime's mouth in permanent blow-job scowl?
... much more witty comment on Kai, his collection of embroidered shirts, Jaime's blow-job mouth, that lame-ass cashmere shawl, the 6 HOURS they spent in that poor store, a detailed evaluation of who in the hell "Liz" is and why we should care, brief discussion of Tommy Hilfiger's sexuality, etc.

*J. emerges from extended phone conversation with father figure*

Me: What time is it?
J: 10:48.
Me: Holy shit, I've been on the couch watching Rich Girls for nearly two hours.
... upstairs to attempt to sleep but sleep can never come when one is thinking of the pink suede knee high marc jacobs boots that one will never own...

Heather at 8:04 AM


Tuesday, December 16, 2003

I totally stole this from another blog

However, that doesn't make it any less awesome.

Go to Google.
Type "miserable failure" in the search box.
Click, "I'm Feeling Lucky."

Heather at 6:40 AM


Friday, December 12, 2003

You see, I have this friend.

There's this woman I know, and she's totally amazing.

The first time I met her, I hated her. (Always the mark of impending true friendship.) She was beautiful and smart. She had a boyfriend. She had it together. She was a cooler version of me, if only I knew how to apply makeup or be skinny. And that first summer we were together, she helped me learn things about myself that I could have never discovered on my own. It is solely because of here that I know I can:
a. Drink myself silly and not feel guilty about it.
b. Dress to "go out".
c. Have the insight to occasionally match my shoes with my outfit.
d. Not be afraid of things just because I've never done them before.

And in a little more than a year and a half, she's helped me through more than she realizes. Without her, I would have never come to terms with my brother and his new baby, a million and one boy disasters, and several bouts of homesickness.

She was with me when I puked on my own bed. She was with me when I somewhat mistakenly semi-hooked up with someone I barely knew (twice). She was with me when I knew for certain that I'd fallen in love with no other than her own boyfriend. And when I say "with me," I don't mean present. She was with me, by my side, helping me deal with the shit I constantly create in my life, and all the while convincing me that the shit of my life is actually interesting, entertaining, and worthwhile.

We even have our own sorority, the details of which I could never reveal here under penalty of death, but that in itself reminds me of how much of a sister she is to me. Well, that, and the constant fighting and the ridiculous moments that only sisters can truly share and appreciate, like the first cigarette of the morning on the porch or checking an ingrown hair to make sure it isn't herpes.

And, you see, she has to go to the hospital for a while. And I can't be there because I have work and the holidays and a million other excuses that don't add up to much more than the fact that I can't seem to find a way to be the one place I know I should be in the next couple of weeks.

The best I could do was a lame blog tribute,
to tell her that I'm thinking of her, and that EVERY morning for the next month, I plan to wake up and do "the cheer" in her honor.

Heather at 5:51 PM


Thursday, December 11, 2003

My very own stupidity

In response to Lizzie:

At our faculty meeting yesterday, which I did not attend, (I was on a library adventure with freshmen doing Bio research projects) our principal told the entire staff that if we catch him not smiling at any point in the day, he is to give us a dollar.

Based on my preliminary calculations, I plan to be a trillionaire by the time 7th period rolls around.

Unless, of course, such rules don't apply to me because I wasn't actually at the meeting.

Ironically, all of this is designed to improve the ever impaired attitude of the teachers. I, for one, can already tell you that I'm feeling much more positive now that I work in a school where the principal is going to be forced to pay out for small misdeeds like frowning. I can't wait to see how much cash gets thrown down for major boo-boos. Can anyone say "misplaced requisition" or perhaps "inconsistent discipline"?

Heather at 6:50 AM


Monday, December 08, 2003

Y'all still f-ing rock.

By this age, everyone else has all these little friends who are hopping down the aisle with sickly pink flower girls and four carat rocks with which to fend off muggers and smooth talkers.

As for me, not only and I not one of those girls, I haven't even managed to keep and/or procure any of them as friends. So when I was thinking of having some "how do you know when you 'know'?" post, I realized that no one who reads this would be able to comment with any insight.

Thanks anyway, guys.

Heather at 4:55 PM


MEMO: Freezing conditions (loc. "hell")

Ok, so maybe I should be happy that Oklahoma got their asses handed to them. And maybe I should be perfectly delighted that LSU gets to play for the National Championship. And that Ole Miss got a bowl. And that there will be plenty of little happy football dances to do over the Christmas holidays.

But none of that makes up for being anally raped by the bowl system.

I swear, by all that is holy, I will never eat a peach again.

Heather at 7:20 AM


Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Finding your way.

I don't mean to write this post from some tower-o-knowledge. I'm writing it because I've been there, and on my drive home I was thinking, "Hey, that's some serious shit." And we all know how often those truly profound thoughts cross my mind, so I thought I might as well strike while the iron is hot. And on to the point...

I was thinking this afternoon, after the world's least productive faculty meeting, about where I was at this moment exactly five years ago, just before I took my first-ever for-real college finals. I was nervous, and rightfully so, after spending a semester wasting god knows how much time on things that I can't even seem to recall even the vaguest details about. All I truly remember is the fact that 3:30 a.m. was my ritual bedtime, and I continually felt as if I were missing out on something if I ever turned in any earlier.

And so after a semester of dorm life, I came home to a holiday break that I don't particularly remember, aside from a fateful fifteen minute stint spent at my dad's laptop while we, collectively, checked my grades. I knew the damage was bad. I knew I could count the time I'd attended my 8:05 French class without taking off my shoes. I was as terrified as a former straight A girl could possibly be. And of course, they were bad. Not terrible, "you're probably going to lose your scholarship" bad, but worse than any other collection of grades I'd ever gotten in my life. But I didn't die, even though I was thoroughly convinced that I would. And I went on to vastly improve my shaky beginnings.

So for all the new little co-eds out there, most importantly Ashley and all her buds getting their first fresh start at college, remember, when you have your very own heart stopping moment sometime during Christmas break, that this is only the beginning. There will be many more late nights and papers that you fall asleep in the middle of and books that you had two months to read yet never seem to get past the first chapter of and pizza and beer and casual sex. This is the first semester of many. Enjoy it while it's still yours.

Heather at 5:55 PM


Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Logic would dictate

Explain this to me. After a while, nearly 24 years to be exact, I'm still maintaining some thought that it's okay to get insanely excited about things that never ever seem to come true.

I've thought of praying to something to "fix" this near fatal character flaw, but then, once that prayer doesn't come true, like everything else, where would I be?

Heather at 7:37 PM


Monday, December 01, 2003

A request of sorts.

If you're bored tonight, I could use some help with some things. It seems that I've misplaced my mind and/or the life I thought that I'd been living for the last four-ish months. Old habits die hard, I suppose. Or don't die at all, and resurface at inopportune times leading one to do things like chat online to exes instead of oh, um, maybe TEACHING. Not that I did that today. Ah, picnic tables, conference tables. And all you losers out there who acted all "concerned" after the cryptic horoscope, you didn't call. You know you didn't. And sure, it was fairly obvious what I was planning, but seriously, some follow up would be nice.

And no, what I had planned didn't take place. Things got sketchy and have continued to get sketchier as the days have passed and a two week missing person incident has yielded some very grandmotherly emails from someone who previously had nothing even remotely grandmotherly to say. I used the word passion in an email without even thinking twice about it. No reply. Go figure.

So where does this leave us? 4 people can make some sense out of the above two paragraphs. (Lizzie, John, my fav spiderman, and Ashley), either of my parents know enough to sort out references to stuff they know about and then ask me prying questions about the rest, and the rest of you are pleasantly out of the loop, not least of which could easily be my "boyfriend" who claims to not read this.

I think I'll go listen to Portishead and pretend that I live in a dark French movie where people read thick books and drink coffee in a fog of depression that they all seem to be enjoying.

Heather at 5:37 PM


Notice anything?

We're almost fully updated. I hate these "Hey Look What I Did!" posts, but you have to write them if you want those "My, the place looks beautiful" comments.


Heather at 3:59 PM


Instead of preparing my blue book

I got bored with the look. I changed it. Still in the orange and gray family. That seems to be my favored color combination. I might change things to make it more seasonally appropriate later. And I have snazzy new haloscan comments. Go me. :)

Heather at 10:23 AM