Thursday, December 18, 2003
Dear Most Bad-Assed Chick I've Ever Known,
I have a terrible cold tonight. It's so bad that I've actually resorted to wiping snot on my sleeve like some unattended day-care discarded three year old. But ya know what? None of that really matters any more because, in spite of my valliant yet unintentional efforts to lose touch with every person I have ever known, you have found me. (Lucky for you you know someone with the internet coniving rivaled by only Bill Gates himself.)Did you ever think maybe we'd end up on Maury Povich someday and get reunited? I totally had the whole thing planned out in my head:
"You see Maury, you're very handsome. No, that's not why I'm here, but it doesn't make you any less handsome. But back to the point. I had this friend in high school who helped me be some truer version of myself. She totally affected me in every way that it's possible to affect a person and then I was an idiot and I went off to college and did a very shoddy job of keeping in touch. And then I went to grad school and lost touch all together."
Hot-ass Maury: "Well, what was it that made her so special?"
"Well, Maury. Can I call you 'mo-po'? You see, mo-po, women tend to be very stupid. We fill our lives up with all these men who can barely carry on a conversation much less give us all the attention and emotional support that we need. And some of us are very lucky that along the way we find a female friend who really can give us all that touchy-feely shit that you penis-weilding idiots deny us. But then, for some reason, we always drift away from those women."
Hot-ass Maury: "And why do you think that is?"
"Because we're stupid. Because we forget what's good for us. Because we're 'feminists' or 'empowered' and we come up with all these meaningless reasons for justifying leaving people behind. And it's bullshit. All of it."
Hot-ass Maury: "And what do you want to say to her today in case she's watching?"
"I want to tell her that she's awesome. And beautiful. And that I miss her. And that's really all there is to it."
Heather at 7:24 PM
