Tuesday, September 30, 2003

A Parent Conference (paraphrased liberally)

Teacher Person: Yeah, so your kid cheated.
Boring Mommy: My baby is wonderful and beautiful and could make a perfect grade on your test if he was on fire and he'd only had an hour of sleep the night before and didn't even know what was goin to be on the test and I've never had to come to this school for anything but..
TP (interrupting): Your kid freakin cheated.
BM: I want proof that my baby cheated. I want to know exactly what you heard and exactly what you saw and the surveilance tape from the gnomes that the administration sends into your classroom and the transcript that is kept of everything that is said and...
BM: The proof is that he was getting answers from the girl in front of him.
BM: Is this true?
Shitless Kid: I ain't cheat on no test.
TP (thought bubble): Dude, he just said "aint" and used a double negative.
TP: I had all the proof I needed to give (Shitless Kid) a zero on his test.
BM: Well, he hasn't ever been in any trouble and I just want to make sure that this doesn't affect his grade because he's a good kid and he doesn't need any trouble with his grades and he needs to pass all his classes and he's a very good kid and...
TP (thought bubble): Does she breathe?
TP: Yes, ma'am. I'll allow him to retake the test individually.
SK: I ain't gonna remember what was on that test!
TP (thought bubble): No shit, kid. You freakin cheated.

Heather at 6:54 PM


Monday, September 29, 2003

A Mastercard Moment

A new central heat and air system: $250,000

New windows to keep in the newly temperature-regulated air: $125,000

Forgetting to check to see if the gas line was ever run to the heating units: Priceless

Heather at 11:18 AM


Sunday, September 28, 2003

For ease of publication

I've been thinking, the vast majority of these overly popular (read: very readable, entertaining and addictive) blogs have some sort of theme. JR has his "interesting picture and wickedly hilarious yet brief" posting theme. Krissa has her "wise and worldly young New Yorker" thing going on, spouted off in snippets that seem more like something from a movie than someone's real life. Allison is just plain-fuckin-literary. Even Faith has her "I'm getting through my day in the following ways..." approach. And still, I seem to have not caught on. The "these are random comments about my love life and my job with entirely too many lists" approach lends itself to my writing a bunch of boring shit every couple of days.

Therefore, I need a theme. And I challenge you losers to come up with one. I'll write about whatever you want, but you must leave any and all suggestions in the comments box. In fact, all worthy suggestions will be honored with at least two weeks of posting related to the suggested theme. I'm challenging you losers, and I swear I'll hold up my end of the bargain.

Heather at 9:17 AM


Saturday, September 27, 2003

"It's Almost October" Resolutions...

1. Regain sense of honesty and zippiness on blog.
2. Go back to not using Yahoo Messenger at work due to almost sexual conversation yesterday with unnamed person that could have easily been discovered while sitting silently on desktop.
3. Figure out what in the hell is going on with "my boyfriend".
4. Stay the hell away from Wal-mart, and it's evil money-sucking ways.
5. Clean the SHIT out of my car. (Yes, indeed, at this point there might be certifiable excrement in there and I wouldn't know because it could easily be buried under a pile of NuGrape cans and empty cigarette packs.)
6. Do something about cuticles.
7. Post more often so that my friends will stop making lame jokes about me not posting.
8. Celebrate neo-fall octoberness with her queen loveliness in spite of the fact that she called me bitchy for the millionth time this week.
9. Buy groceries for the first time in two months.
10. Decide what I'm doing with my life.

Heather at 10:13 AM


We are in the process of perfecting a new look. Your patience is greatly appreciated.

And yes, this is what I do when I finally get a weekend off. Ah, the glory of blog therapy.

Heather at 8:45 AM


Monday, September 22, 2003

This is all I have to offer.

Heather at 8:23 PM


Sunday, September 21, 2003

Props to...

1. My two homies who actually NOTICED that I cut all my hair off. Faith with her too-lovely Ashleyesque remark and Andrew with his cutie-pie "Hey, Haircut" greeting yesterday morning.

2. Me for not vomiting on myself over this chick whom I distinctly remember as being a dirty blond haired, freckled chick with a serious "I'm a talented band chick" bad attitude in high school. Reunions should be a world of fun.

3. Barbeque. Speaking of which, anybody need 3 racks of ribs, 3 whole chickens, 2 giant ziplocks of leg quarters, 2 pork loins, or 5 pounds of barbeque? First come, first serve, people.

4. My "boyfriend," who has recently learned to hide presents under my pillow before I go to sleep.

5. The weekend. Thank you weekend for existing, even if I had to spend most of you driving and stressed out.

6. FOOTBALL. Tennessee won. Florida lost, mainly because we kicked their asses. And Alabama lost, again, to a team with "Northern" in their name. Isn't that the equivalent to getting beaten by a high school junior varsity team?

Heather at 10:04 AM


Friday, September 19, 2003

Does anyone else love how you can come to school in clothes that don't actually fit feeling good-ole-on-the-rag-bloated, and then get called J.Lo two dozen times and on your way back from lunch be serenaded by the new B2K song?

Just wondering.

Heather at 10:07 AM


Friday, September 12, 2003

Dear Bitch,

As for defining terms, it's not that the area has been overlooked. In fact, the area has been a bit over-explored and over-defined, if I do say so myself.

At present moment my title is "Full Time Lover," a recent promotion from "Part Time Lover" which apparently "my boyfriend's" friends thought was a bit rude, not to mention an inaccurate description of our relationship. Not that the current title is that much better. I can, however, tolerate it in all of its ridiculousness as I am "butt-crazy in love".

Thanks for wondering,

Heather at 9:46 AM


Thursday, September 11, 2003

In other news...

1. He's not my boyfriend.
2. Progress reports and ETV can kiss my ass.
3. God bless the child that told me I looked like a size 8 this morning.
4. Does anybody remember why I've now given up four consecutive weekends and am planning on sacrificing the next three?
5. I'm still freakin sick. I sound like I have black lung or something equally nasty.
6. My internet finally works at school so I can get back to not doing any damn work. Thank goodness.
7. Oh yeah, he's still my "boyfriend," just not my boyfriend. The quotes are essential.
8. My "boyfriend" worked approximately 16 hours yesterday. Poor baby.
9. If you don't have $9.48, I will burn John Mayer for you, but it's good enough to spend the money. Something about #4 makes me think of someone that I haven't talked to in a long time. And one song sounds annoyingly Phil Collins-y, but that can be overlooked.
10. I plan on jamming to said John Mayer cd while driving to the "boyfriend's" house this afternoon after he works another approximately 16 hour day.

Heather at 10:14 AM


ATTN: Lizzie
REF: "Bigger Than My Body*"

In response, I think Lizzie will be referred to as "bitch" now. (And please god, know that I am kidding.)


Heather at 10:08 AM