Wednesday, January 28, 2004
The Birthday Post
I got to school this morning, thinking it would be another monotonous day, only nicer with all sorts of lovely little birthday pleasantries.I walked into the office and was greeted by the librarian who said the following:
"Did you know D.C. passed last night?"
me: "Excuse me?"
"Yes. After the basketball game."
me: "What? He's gone?"
"Yes."
I'm not old enough (or married enough) to know what it might be like to lose a child. I'm also fortunate enough to have my parents and 2 out of 4 grandparents. Death isn't something I've had to deal with in the spectrum of my life experiences. So when I was informed this morning that one of my students had passed away (of an asthma attack, believe it or not), I didn't quite know how to handle myself. I've never been good with openly sharing grief. People always have to draw that sort of thing out of me. And when I saw my students coming unravelled around me, being led wailing into the counselor's office, I realized that I'd probably never have it in me to be one of those openly (and beautifully) weepy people who can leave their grief on display for others to learn from.
So for seven periods today I crumbled slowly from within, being constantly reminded of both the fact that it is my birthday and the fact that one of the brightest, kindest students I've ever taught was suddenly taken after he unexpectedly (and certainly happily) got to play for the last five minutes in the varsity basketball game.
I've thought a lot today about what it means to die young, and to lose someone that you care about, and what my own life really means in light of the tremendous sadness of today. I wish I could say that I've come up with something profound. I wish I could say that everything is a bit sharper, and means a bit more. I wish I could say that all that thinking has left me with a clearer view of the beauty of life, the sanctity of birthdays, and the absolute horror of an unexpected death. I wish I could say that I drove the speed limit on the way home today, but I didn't. I drove like a maniac and sang the saddest songs I could find and cried when I could.
Heather at 6:08 PM
