Monday, August 25, 2003

Barefootnhippie Comments and other related bullshit

Since I'm not posting, and no one else has comments, Faith gets my two cents, as always. And it goes a little something like this...

I had one of those big long weeks where you spend a lot of time inside your own head. And I guess I made a lot of decisions about myself and my place in the world. And I think my only misstep in all of that is that I didn't share it with anybody. But I didn't even realize what had been happenning until I sat at the picnic table with John after lunch and finally had ten minutes to let it all out. And even then, I couldn't find a way to say any of without some sort of wiser-than-thou pretext, but John can overlook that so easily that I knew I could finally talk. (Remember people, these are our lifelong friends. How we all seemed to simultaneously forget that, I can't be sure.)

You see, all my life I've never known where the brakes are. I've never cared to know. It's always been one dramatic swerve around a corner followed by a confusing road then another swerve, usually in an opposite direction. But somehow, I seem to have grown up, thanks mainly to one new friend and one new boy who, when combined, have strengthened whatever little perspective on the world I've been trying to formulate in the last 23 years. And somehow I've finally realized that THIS is it. This isn't some lovely little stop-over while I wait for my life to get rolling. This IS my life and it can only be what I make it. And in a way, I guess I'm saying that from a somewhat privileged position, knowing that my sister is closer now than she has been in five years, and knowing that I'm in a relationship that is more comfortable and challenging than anything I've ever gotten myself into.

So about class and friends and that little "d" word that everyone keeps throwing around...
I came in with a chip on my shoulder. And those "dark cloud" people that I want to slap in the face every time I see them, well, I just couldn't take it anymore. Saturday morning was my breaking point because I was finally tired of there always being someone who felt obligated to bring people down and who thought it was their job to remind everyone that this is a less-than-ideal situation. Maybe I stepped on some toes. (I do clearly recall getting screamed at.) But I still don't give a damn, because, god help us, all of this has to be about LOVE. We have to get up in the morning and go to these falling-down-around-your-ears schools because we LOVE being there. We have to go to Oxford and get "educated" because we LOVE the people that have amazingly been placed in our lives. We have to come home to our entirely cheap and beautiful houses because we LOVE our roommates and the solace of the enviroment we've each been lucky enough to create for ourselves. And, most of all I suppose, we have to LOVE ourselves for being crazy enough to do any of this in the first place.

Yes, I realize all of that sounds like more bullshit than anything that was labeled as such in class. But, in all honesty, every word of it was said with greater truth than anything else that's ever been posted on this blog. And in grand-blog-style, all of it remains under the heading of comments to barefootnhippie, as it all so beautifully falls under the mantra and motivation of that site.

Heather at 2:38 PM

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