Thursday, May 22, 2003
Advice to Live By. No, Seriously.1. When dismissing class for lunch, be sure the kids are planning on running down the hall, screaming obscene rap lyrics and the phrase "OOOOOOHHHHH SSSIIIIIXXXXX" as loud as they possibly can, because if you're lucky like me the principal will also be walking down the hall and will the proceed to not only deprive the children of lunch but also suspend them. (Hot damn, something actuall worked for once.)
2. When dissecting one's own pinkie toe, be sure to do so in a completely unsterile environment, like a dirty classroom during a very quiet exam. Also recommended are squeamish children, lack of bandaids, and not-so-quiet obscenities coming out of your mouth as you become increasingly convinced that injured toe will fall onto the floor, as it appears injured enough to become severed from your body.
3. When you KNOW that a soda company is trying to lure you in and try some new uber-cool carbonated beverage, give in once in a while, because now and then that beverage will be Sprite: Remix, which happens to fucking rock.
4. Don't try to quit smoking because it leaves your best friend to go outside alone and read books in the dark and almost burn themselves and feel alltogether neglected and unwanted. I mean, who are you kidding, you didn't really think you had any will power, did you?
5. When making weekend plans, try to make them as ambiguous and complicated as possible. This way, people will get confused and you'll always have an alibi that you were supposed to be somewhere else with someone else. (It's best to start making things complicated at least a week in advance. That way, even you will become so confused that it will be impossible for anyone to get their stories straight.)
Heather at 7:48 PM
