Sunday, March 02, 2003
"Thanks for not hanging up on me."--Todd, unintentionally profound, on friendship, family, and love
I have learned one thing this weekend, and I might be so bold as to say that it is the most important thing a person can ever learn. I know now, more than at any other point in my life, that I am loved. And because of this, at some point last night all of the tears I was crying out of fear and frustration and helplessness changed over to tears of gratitude, thankfullness that I am so lucky to be at this place at this time with these people.
Two things happenned last night. To you, the outside observer (in most cases) such things might seem unimportant. But to me, both of these events have already been filed into that select catalog of "Things I will remember until I'm no longer on this earth."
One: Friendship has never been easy for me. I've always had friends, lots of friends, and despite my tendencies to tell anything and everything to anyone and everyone, it is in my nature to create barriers and keep people at some sort of emotional distance. But last night, something wonderful happenned and I woke up and realized that I finally had the type of friends that anyone in their right mind would give up everything for. And perhaps the best part is that I have not one of these friends but two. While we were waiting for our table at T.G.I. Friday's in Memphis, something came up and it became clear that I might want to leave the group for a bit and go do my own thing. But, being the doubting faithless person that I am, I was afraid to bring up the issue with the group, knowing that the others with us who are less accustomed to my flightiness would scoff at the idea of my leaving the group. But I never had to worry about a thing. While I casually talked to Mike, I noticed that Amber and John had gone over to present the case to the group and fight my battle for me out of some senselessly pure desire for me to be happy.
TheImageAn "L" shaped bar, my friends sitting at the corner with me sitting halfway down the longest arm of the L. Mike standing beside me, talking to me, while I watch Amber and John tag team with some surely ridiculous explanation of my crazy plans.I must be the luckiest person in the world.
OnepointFive:I called home with the crazy thought that I was going to ask Ashley what song was playing in the restaurant. Instead, Todd answered. I asked for Ashley, she was not home, I hesitated, almost hung up, but the moment had passed and as soon as Todd said, "Heather?" I didn't have the heart. We talked, about nothing in particular, promising to talk again as soon as we could find the time and the strength. I felt, and still feel, that intense pull that I don't need to be anywhere other than home, sitting on the porch, talking and trying to make some sense of the world.
TheImageI am standing in the entry way to Friday's, between the doors to the street and the doors that lead into the restaurant. Every so often I can hear either the cars outside and feel a cold rush of air or hear the music playing inside. I am leaning against the plateglass window, looking down the street, watching a light cycle through green-yellow-red-green, listening to Todd's voice, smiling with tears running down my face.
Two:And later, after I had talked to Todd finally, and I couldn't talk or laugh or interact with anyone, Amber and John never left my side. I never once had to doubt that there would be someone there to talk to me or listen to me at the precise moment when I was ready to deal with things. We walked to The Flying Saucer, had a drink, talked about nothing in particular, and attempted to make the best of a casual situtation that couldn't have been in sharper contrast to the intensely uncasual things going on in my head. We left, and thanks to the impeccable timing of Mandy and Laurel's bathroom break had a few moments to stand outside and talk and regroup.
TheImage I am sitting at a picnic table in front of The Flying Saucer at a busy intersection in Memphis. Amber sits on my right and Mike on my left, as they tag-team-pep-talk, saying things they have both said before, only this time they make sense. And I know that even though absolutely everything has changed, I can have faith that something beautiful and wonderful will be the same for as long as I want it to be.
Heather at 8:52 PM
