Friday, February 07, 2003
Because you are...Wow, a Friday night post. It's been a while since one of these has landed. An uneventful night to end an uneventful week, full of mostly sickness and recovery. Nearly all is right with the world of Heather, except for the monster bruise which will heal in it's own time. And until then I can happily grimace through the pain that comes while resting my wrist on the edge of the laptop while typing.
Aside from being sick and the overwhelming thought of "making it through the day," the week has continually come back around to one central issue. I'm too much of a lame-ass to discuss it openly, with names and details and descriptions, but for those of you who know what in the hell I'm talking about, I think it's time to put in the last word. And I'm serious this time, so hold me to it.
Sometimes you forget how well you know yourself. And in these moments of true-identity-amnesia, it's easy to convince yourself of things that aren't necessarily true by the light of day. I don't think I've been as bad about lying to myself as some people might venture to say. (amber) But, regardless, I keep having repeated episodes of resorting back to a thought that should have died sometime in July. However, after this week, I think it's time for me to state some things that I've known all along but frequently been afraid to admit to myself, much less to other people.
First, while he is extremely attractive and funny and intelligent, he couldn't be farther from the type of person I really need to be with. (So why bother?) I love those little places in conversation for quiet and all-knowing smiles. He obliterates them. And as for the attractiveness, whatever happenned to the Heather philosophy of manditory physical domination? Second, sometimes you just know. I've never gotten those butterflies with him. Warm glow, sure. But never that knock-you-down sort of spark, and this is coming from a woman who has been known to spark very indiscriminately. And third, that issue, that ONE issue, that I enjoy writing off so much really is an issue this time. Why he is an exception on that front I'm not sure. Maybe it's because we are so much alike, and I know that if I had the strength to stay faithful because of something I had with someone then I would cherish that, especially knowing that I've never had that strength in the past and I don't see myself having it anytime in the future.
And so, because you are one of my dearest friends, it ends here. No more bullshit. No more daydreaming. The future is the future and none of us can predict it, so if anyone has contacts in Las Vegas or has already discussed this with their psychic friend and knows for a fact that the ending isn't quite this simple, feel free to keep it to yourself for now and hold out for the "I told you so," because as far as I can tell, it ends here.
Heather at 9:22 PM
