Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Lame teacher humor

This has to be the absolute funniest thing I've ever read. (or at least the funniest thing I've read in the last hour... We English types tend to read a lot.)

Heather at 5:29 PM


Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Shoot me now

Teachers are exceptionally good at whining about how much work they do and how much more they should be paid. And sure, I work hard. Really hard sometimes. But, essentially, I get to go spend my days hanging out with really awesome kids, teaching them stuff, being lame, and learning new slang. If anything, I should be giving part of my check back to them for how exponentially cooler I've gotten since I started teaching in the Delta.


Certain days (like today) I spend a cagillion hours writing my grades in INK on grade sheets that I had to handwrite the names on. And once I'm finished with that, I have to rewrite them, by hand of course, on a different grade sheet, just in case little gnomes come into the office and steal the sheets which now exist in triplicate in three very different locations. And once I'm finished with that, I have to spend an hour handwriting a grade distribution sheet that will be put into a file folder and never EVER looked at by anyone even though all my teeny tiny numbers are correct and beautiful. And once I'm done with that (and all the other menial, secretarial things a teacher has to do in the last couple of days of school), I get to come home and stress about whether or not my principal will accept my grades printed out from a computer. (Knowing all the while that he raised hell over someone who did the same thing last year), after which I eventually decide to take out my poor little pen again and then enter every single grade that I had neatly printed out in spreadsheets into my "sooooooooo 1954" gradebook because my principal doesn't trust TECHNOLOGY even though it's 2004, and for some reason the grades are LESS REAL if they're on a printout.

So now my eyeballs feel like they're about to drop out of my head, I have a vague caffiene headache, and I'm grouchy. Don't fuck with me.

Heather at 7:45 PM


Monday, May 24, 2004

The Lowdown

I'm not dead, I'm just well rested.

It's not that I don't have anything to write about, it's just that I've adapted to keeping a lot inside.

It's not that I've had major life upheavals in the last week, however, I did happen to lose an entire group of friends.

I'm not worried about being lonely, but I'm constantly worrying about having a suitable/beautiful/cheap place to live.

I'm not concerned about summer plans, only that the summer already feels too short.

I wish there had been more kids allowed to attend classes today because that would have meant more hugs, but the two I did get were excellent.

I wish I could fix everything that's gone wrong for everyone in the last week, but I cant even seem to fix myself right now.

I'm not depressed, just introspective.

Heather at 7:35 PM


Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Writing lists is really the only thing I'm good at.

1. I was getting sick of looking at my own fat face. If you're some sort of unannounced internet stalker, hopefully you had the vision and prior-planning to save it while it was around. If not, maybe you should call me sometime. I could use a date, or at least a free meal.

2. I'm debating the merits of standing up for myself/being the person I truly am vs. having the security of knowing where I'll be living August 1st. I know I made the right decision, but I'm already having nightmares about cardboard boxes and deposits and landlords and bills to forget and I'm surprised my hair isn't already falling out.

3. I only took two real "internet breaks" at work today, and I still haven't managed to write the freaking English 1 exam. (However, Lizzie, in her infinite wisdom, sent me old tests that I can piece together for at least half of my exam. And for that I shall buy her a drink and not forget her birthday this year.)

4. Just before I left school today it had rained for approximately thirty seconds and the pavement was radiating heat and moisture and the air was the breezy cool that happens when a front is coming through and the warmth on my feet, coolness on my face, and huge almost thunderstormy clouds made me remember why this place can make me so happy.

5. If I had a hit list, I think the new Blogger would be on it. (Even though I'm an obvious sell-out for using one of the new templates.)

6. I swear to all that is holy I'm bringing 200 Word Wednesday back tomorrow. Promise, promise, promise.

Heather at 2:47 PM


The best song you've never heard

Some days I miss being fifteen, and writing four page long notes in precalculus, where three and a half of the pages were dripping with song lyrics that I was sure expressed exactly how I was feeling at that moment.

Last night I was having illegal musical adventures on SoulSeek when I came across an entire album that has been out of stock on CDBaby for nearly six months. I laughed, I danced, I wept.

As for this song, just love it. That's all it needs.


She was lying on the floor and counting stretch marks
she hadn't been a virgin and he hadn't been a god
so she names the baby Elvis
to make up for the royalty he lacked

And from then on it was turpentine and patches
from then on it was cold Campbell's from the can
They were just two jerks playing with matches
Cause that's all they knew how to play

And it was raining cats and dogs out side of her window
And she knew they were destined to become sacred road kill on the way
And she was listening to the sound of heavens shaking
thinking about puddles, puddles and mistakes

And from then on it was turpentine and patches
from then on it was cold Campbell's from the can
They were just two jerks playing with matches
Cause that's all they knew how to play

Elvis never could carry a tune
she thought about this irony as she stared back at the moon
she was tracing the years with her fingers on her skin
saying why don't I begin again
with turpentine and patches
with cold Campbell's from the can
after all I'm still a jerk playing with matches
it's just that he's not around to play along
I'm still an ass hole playing with matches
Blowing out my wishes blowing out my dreams
Just sitting here and trying to decypher what's written in Braille upon my skin...

Heather at 10:15 AM


Monday, May 17, 2004

I want...

To have the foresight to not start fights that correspond with my menstrual cycle.

To know where I'll be living next year, and for that place to be adorable and the perfect size for me and my stuff. And if God's listening, I'd also like hardwood floors, very white walls, tall kitchen cabinets, and colorful tile in the bathroom.

The energy to wash clothes, write my exams, and make the final push to the end of the school year.

To be in love.

To thank T.N. for hiding my all-time favorite icecream in the freezer, then forgetting to tell me, and letting me find it there tonight when I was desperate for a gift from the icecream gods.

Heather at 9:17 PM


Friday, May 14, 2004


I had a best friend once who would invite me to her house. Her dad would make peanut butter milkshakes for us, and we'd play dress up and dance in the rec room and watch Dirty Dancing late at night so we could see Patrick Swazye's butt. Then one day, we were in different classes, and I turned into the loud girl who couldn't help but always speak her mind, the girl who didn't have many friends, the girl that didn't get invited over anymore. The girl that wasn't cool.

I had a best friend once whom I cared for with all my heart. He taught me how to love so hard that it made me scared and vulnerable and real. With him I learned how hot the phone can get after hours of nonstop use. With him I learned how to have a quality screaming match, how to sneak away from home without my parents really knowing where I was going, how to be the other woman. Then one day, I found out he was telling my secrets to the latest flavor of the month. And after that he was gone.

I had a best friend once who helped me become a better listener, a girly girl, an adult. She let me remember that little things matter. Listening carefully to a song, perfect eyeliner, exboyfriends. We thought that being polar opposites on half of the world, and like-minded bitches on the other half would make us the perfect pair. And we were, briefly, until we realized that we argue too much and we live too far away. Then there was drifting.

I had a best friend once who swore he knew what being a best friend was about. He popped up in the middle of a classic, gray, nobody-gets-me phase. I ditched a boyfriend, told my secrets, shared my bed. Then one day, he met a girl, and I turned into the loud girl who couldn't help but always speak her mind, the girl who didn't have many friends, the girl that didn't get invited over anymore. The girl that wasn't cool.

Heather at 8:12 PM


Thursday, May 13, 2004

Dear Someone

You are cordially invited to be my date to the SHS 2004 Junior/Senior Prom on Saturday, May 15. Activities to include: meeting the future of America, eating lots of food (probably fried), embarrassingly/endearingly dancing like a white person, discussions of the state of education/current music trends/glitter/girls showing too much tit/ass/belly/loss of dignity, mingling, asking people not to make-out/booty dance/simulate sex acts.

*Transportation will be provided (as long as you don't mind riding in a Saturn).

*Black tie not required. (You'll be with a chaperone. No one will care. Seriously.)

p.s. All RSVPs, acceptances, offers, etc. should be left in the comments. And you'd better damn well leave me a way to get in touch with you. Otherwise I'll be that teacher that couldn't even get herself a date for prom.

Heather at 5:17 PM


Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Some days...

You go to school and it's raining and you hydroplane four bazillion times on the crappy Mississippi highways and you know everything is going to suck.

But then you learn that the three of your seniors (two of whom worked their asses off) finally passed the English II exam and will be allowed to graduate and then promptly become "that crazy hugging teacher," and smile because you wouldn't rather be anything else.

Then, in 7th period, when that student decides he'd rather be a disruption and make a sign to hang around his neck that says "I'm a CHAMPION!!!" than take his test, remind him that champions do things like PASS ENGLISH I, and then become pleasantly surprised when he actually begins working on the test.

Then, after the half hour faculty meeting, where it's explained to you that students will need to preregister AGAIN because no one knew what they were doing the first time around, you proceed to go help assemble prom decorations.

You have the sudden realization that glitter is evil, but you recognize there's something therapeutic in becoming repeatedly stuck to the linoleum floor due to the accumulating spray adhesive on your shoes, and that you've reached your pinnacle of "teacherly beauty" when you catch a glimpse of yourself complete with coffee stained white shirt, old navy flipflops, and irridescent sparkle covering every single exposed millimeter of skin on your body.

Heather at 5:26 PM


Monday, May 10, 2004

The state of things

1. I'm tired and I'm still awake because I've been off work since Friday and my body-clock has gone summer-time-late-nights-whacko.

2. Shiny and New Blogger is sort of freaking my shit out, but I went ahead and used one of the new templates because I change my template more often than I put on makeup, so it seemed like the right thing to do.

3. Somehow I wasted two hours playing with a webcam earlier tonight.

4. I totally need to go to bed, teaching tomorrow, blah blah blah.

5. I'm strongly considering shutting the site down. I know I've threatened before but there's a lot of stuff going on right now that I'd love to write about but can't write honestly about due to my readership. I'll keep you updated on this one. If I bail, I'll at least leave a note, and the promise of a forwarding address to those that deserve it.

Sweet dreams, lovely ones.

Heather at 9:49 PM


Here's your grain of salt. (Read: Super fake entry)

Today was really great.
I feel sad, because Sarah and Britney are complete bitches. They told everyone I have an STD, just because I slept with both of their boyfriends on Saturday night.

I'm so sad. My kitten got run over this afternoon. I found him when I was coming home from school. His head was all squished. I took some photos. I'll miss him. Poor kitty.

Last night I had to go and pay Joshua's bail. He's such a jerk. He got arrested for punching the Walmart clerk in the face for refusing to sell him beer. He's only 16!

I want to tell the world that I'm gay.

I am making this journal friends only because I don't want the world to read what I'm writing, even though I'm posting it on the internet.

Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! I'm so ugly. Don't look at my photos pleeeeeze.

I want to say thanks to the world for absolutely fucking nothing! You all suck. I feel so alone, no one ever reads this journal, or even comments to let me know that I'm not suffering alone. It's cold here, and I want to die, but I cannot figure out how many of you to take with me when I go.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have bipolar disorder, and a healthy imagination.

You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you what your favourite sexual position is.

That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with some naked photos of myself. (Not safe for work - teehee).

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Heather at 8:58 AM


Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Take me home. I need it.

I've been in a pissy mood. The pinacle of Heather-Melancholy.

As per blog therapy, a list of things that piss me off (or at least have pissed me off in the last 72 hours):
*My friends
*My family
*How messy my classroom/office/bedroom are
*I think I'm out of clean panties
*People who think they're smarter than me
*People who really ARE smarter than me
*I'm stressed about the upcoming weekend that's supposed to be TOTALLY FUN
*I'm STILL stressed about last weekend, which was supposed to be totally fun but wasn't
*Boys who can't keep it in their pants on and/or keep their damn mouths shut
*Teaching boring stuff like business letters
*Forgetting the parts of a business letter
*My continually demonic cellphone
*Lack of significant other
*People who get passive-aggressive over trampolines
*The internet not working at school
*The internet not working at home and eating my blog post earlier
*Not being a blog "it girl"
*Not being an anything "it girl"
*Having to be someone's dinner/walmart monkey

Things that make the above marginally better:
*Getting to read April's Seventeen Magazine in 6th period
*Making stencils
*My rockin cool haircut

Heather at 8:13 PM